What’s it going to be, this or that?

Have you ever had something very important that you wanted to do, yet somehow in the back of your mind you felt not quite right about it going in? It was almost as if something was holding you back, influencing you incongruently as you entered into the endeavor, with a push/pull effect. In reference to athletic competition, I have had many coaches profess to me that their athlete is one of the best. That they have amazing performance during their practices and trials, but they can’t seem to motivate them to perform as well in competition. Many times this is due to the mixed messages that this athlete is sending to themselves, through their internal dialog (self talk) based on external influences.

The effect of our beliefs is of critical importance because they either Empower or Limit us, so they are known simply as Empowering Beliefs and Limiting Beliefs.

Examples of Empowering Beliefs are:

1. If I did it before, I can do it again.2. I know it’s possible.3. There has to be a way.4. If I have succeeded in other things, I’m sure I can do it now, too.5. I have all the tools I need; it will just take time, perseverance and patience.

Empowering beliefs will:

1. Allow us to tap into our vast potential.2. Help us to ask better questions to access resources that can help us reach our goal(Who can help? What do we need to do first? Who has already done this, or something like this,that we can contact? What are we overlooking?).3. Encourage us to look for a solution instead of quitting when we face challenges.Take a moment and list 3-4 beliefs that you have helped you throughout your life.Do not let what you cannot dointerfere with what you can do.-JOHN WOODEN

How our beliefs may conflict

Now, think about these “beliefs”:Look before you leap, vs. He who hesitates is lost.If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself, vs. Two heads are better than one.Ask and you shall receive, vs. Good things come to those who wait.These cultural beliefs, what some might call aphorisms, often send conflicting messages as the above examples illustrate. It is quite common for us to have beliefs that conflict as well, especially in the important areas of relationships, money, time, energy and personal performance.Let me give you some examples to help understand this better. For instance, let’s look at how this applies to relationships.You may know someone who longs to get into a relationship. They want to have someone to trust, to open up to and share themselves with. They desire to feel the closeness and intimacy that can be found in a relationship, yet they don’t take any action towards making that desire a reality. Why not? Because they are fearful of being hurt due to the fact that they choose to focus on the bad experiences they have had in the past (personal references), and their new limiting belief may be something like “All men / women lie, or cheat, or will hurt you”…or, if I put my heart out there it might get broken. In psychology there is a term for this, it is called “approach avoidance”. This can occur when an individual experiences a pull towards something, yet at the same time feels a repulsion that pushes them away from that same thing. This is because the situation evokes multiple and conflicting emotions based on multiple and conflicting beliefs. Have you ever felt this in your experiences, either athletically or in other areas of your life? Here’s another example applied to parenting. Some mothers and fathers believe that to be a good parent they have to provide for their children financially, so they work extremely hard and long hours to do that. They may hold onto beliefs such as “If I am a good parent, then I have to make enough money to send them to a good school,” or may phrase it as “Good parents provide for their kids financially” (a categorical belief). Yet part of them feels guilty about being away from their kids, too (they may have an equally strong belief that “Kids are only young once, so the most important thing is to spend time with them.”), and they end up with an internal battle over which approach is “right”. Many two-income families struggle with this very issue every day.How about in performance? Why do I compete or perform? Do I play because I love what I’m doing? Because, ever since I can remember I enjoyed myself and had fun doing this? Because, I know if I just go out there and just be myself, that’s what has made me successful in the past? Or, because everyone is depending on me to be who they think I am? What if I don’t perform? What if my outcome is not the BEST? Will I let down my friends, parents, coach, sponsors, everyone? What will they think about me? Say about me? 

Belief/Value Conflicts= Approach Avoidance! 

OK, got this concept? Great! Now, I want you to notice whether there are any conflicts between your empowering beliefs and/or your limiting beliefs. If so, take a moment and jot them down. Include any issues that this brings up for you (areas of tension, arguments, guilt, anger, emotional drain, stress, etc)

How will this help you?

You can apply this to your life daily by asking yourself these questions: When I do something that I perceive as important to me, what about this action makes me want to succeed? What makes me feel uncomfortable? In other words, what questions do I have about the consequences of not succeeding? Is the pleasure of the success more inviting to me than the feeling of pain of the failure? Does this endeavor align with my values, to what I believe is important to me? Answer yourself honestly and treat yourself with integrity, focus on your strength, the strength of your true values! Do this every day and you will overcome your fears and doubts with YOUR Winning Mind Set!

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.-WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Research has found that we talk to ourselves over 50,000 times a day, everyday. That’s 375,000 times a week, 1,500,000 times a month, and 19,500,000 a year. And despite all the media stimulus shouting out at us constantly, conversations with our friends, family, co-workers, and acquaintances, etc… Guess who we listen to the most attentively? Ourselves! This internal dialog goes on both on a cognitive level, as well as subconsciously. I recently heard two really amazing things from a coach of mine Jack Canfield. The first was an equation E+R=O. Now, this is not one of those tediously pointless algebra problems I so painfully remember working on in school, but is actually one of the most useful things I have heard in a long time. “E” is Effect, this is what happens to us. “R” is our response to that effect or action. The “O” is our outcome that occurs due to our Response to the Effect. In reality, we really have very little control over our “E’s”. Things happen to us regardless of what we do to try to shield ourselves from “LIFE”. Some are good and some are not so good. They happen without our consent everyday. The only thing we actually have control over is our Response, and that is what will ultimately determine our Outcome. Entertain me as I illustrate this simple example. I’m walking down the street and as I begin to cross, a car flies through the intersection and I jump out of the way. Ultimately, I’m sure you will agree it was my response to this reckless endangerment that absolutely determined my outcome and probably my existence. OK, a little overdramatic perhaps, but I got the point across.

Let’s look at another example. I receive an opportunity to improve myself through a course of action, such as a business or employment opportunity, the Effect. I think about this possibility and how it may improve my situation financially, dramatically change my personal freedom, enhance my creativity, increase my potential for personal growth and get me out of my current stale job. As I ponder the positives, I start to evaluate how this change would dramatically move me out of my current job environment, away from the people I work with. What will they think about me? What if it doesn’t work out? How am I going to handle this change? What if I fail? Then, I’ll look like a loser. How am I going to get another job? Is this worth it? Maybe my job isn’t that bad, I do have some security. So…this seems a little too uncertain, I don’t feel too comfortable with things that are new anyway. I think I’ll pass. There’s the “R”, the Response. The Outcome is… I passed up an opportunity to completely change my life and exceed my potential and everything stays the same.

“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.”

-William James

The second thing I heard Jack Canfield say, in relation to our Response is this. There are only three things that we actually have control of in our lives.

1) The things we say to ourselves, our inner dialog.

2) The pictures we make in our head, our visualizations.

3) Our response to our challenges, our actions.

The amazing part of this whole concept is most people focus not on the Response, but on the Effect. Why’s this happening to me? This sucks! I don’t think this is fair. Well…you can’t blame me because Blank happened to me!

Their Response is actually to focus on their effect.

How Can I Use This?

1)  The things we say to ourselves, our inner dialog.

Pay particular attention to your internal voice. Always state things in the Positive, Personal and Present-tense. Tell your self what you want…never what you don’t want! Example: I don’t want to want to blow this. Better Example: I do the very best I can. I got this one in the bag.

2)  The pictures we make in our head, our visualizations.

See yourself accomplishing exactly what you want your outcome to be. You get what you focus on. If you focus on what you fear the outcome might be, your actions will accept that command and direct you exactly to that place.

See what you want with conviction, you wouldn’t go into anything important physically with a so-so attitude. Don’t go into a mental playout with that attitude either, or you will get results that are congruent with that visualization.

3) Our response to our challenges, our actions.

Take action! Commit yourself to succeed. Positive thinking is good to a point, but in order to succeed you must act, respond, execute, perform, achieve, accomplish…assess, calculate, get off your butt and do it!

“While we may not be able to control all that happens to us,

we can control what happens inside us.”

-Benjamin Franklin

Have an outstanding week!

Kevin Seaman